


RC #88224646BA Mission #1: The Green Maul

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #88224646BA [1]
Category: Protectors of the Plot Continuum, Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Blatant Mishandling of Crash Test Dummies, Character Bashing, Character Derailment, Gore, Gratuitous Violence, Not Safe For Brain, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, OH GOD WHY, PPC Mission, SkarmorySilver's Favorite PPC Missions, Sporking - Freeform, WTF, badfic, character replacement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 05:23:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14730767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: In which a psychotic replacement meets a sword, a fitness trainer, and his maker.





	RC #88224646BA Mission #1: The Green Maul

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. _Super Smash Bros._ and all affiliated franchises, including _Wii Fit_ , _Pokémon_ , and _Xenoblade Chronicles_ , belongs to Nintendo and any affiliated companies thereof. Agents Whitney and Backslash belong to me.  
> The fic being sporked, ["L is Real 2015"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3813361), belongs to [ShanaRHager](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanaRHager/pseuds/ShanaRHager), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Edhelistar, SMF, and son_of_heaven176.
> 
> \- **Rating:** M/NC-17 - The badfic presented in this mission contains multiple instances of extreme violence, gore, and character bashing in the very literal sense. Please stay far away from that fic if you want your sanity intact.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** June 1, 2015
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/16t0nk38CQl_f0-T9t745SQXIKNZx8fgHcMiegi8eMqk/edit)  
> 

Cover Illustration: “[Luigi's Creepy Death Stare](http://thebourgyman.deviantart.com/art/Luigi-s-Creepy-Death-Stare-458239821)” by [TheBourgyman](http://thebourgyman.deviantart.com/)

> “I've made a decision. My purpose in life — I will pursue that faced Mechon. They attacked our colony, killed Fiora… I will find that Mechon — find it and destroy it. Destroy them all!”
> 
> — Shulk,  _ Xenoblade Chronicles _ (2010)

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

> **And with one mighty swing of the Monado, I struck the final blow, launching Lucario out of the ballpark. The crowd cheered as he flew off into the sky, disappearing with a PING!**
> 
> **"Oh yeah, I'm getting a good rhythm right now!" I laughed, flourishing my weapon and resting it over my shoulder, wondering if I had accidentally sent him halfway back to Sinnoh.**
> 
> **I decided not to question that. After all, Isnt' Aegislash immune to Fighting-type moves?**
> 
> **Running my fingers though my blond hair, I turned and made my way back to the locker room. My "trainer", Dunban, would be waiting to congratulate me there with a fresh basket of Pokepuffs, I was certain of** –

 

Shulk’s narration was rudely interrupted when a bright green soccer ball hit the back of his head. He stumbled, a little confused as to what had just happened, but decided not to question it.

That is, until he heard someone clear her throat behind him, and he turned around in confusion. Apparently, one of the female fighters had come up to meet him.

“Wii Fit Trainer?! What was that for?!” he asked indignantly. “You don’t normally whack people with your Header just to get their attention!”

“And  _ you _ certainly don’t strut around like a peacock and blow off the defeat of opponents whom you’re usually friends with,” she replied calmly. “And FYI, Aegislash evolves from Doublade with a Dusk Stone, not by level-up.”

“I – uh – what?!”

“Oh, that reminds me! Aegislash!Shulk, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a character replacement on account of the following charges: Replacing the canonical character of Shulk; receiving preferential treatment just for being a shiny; convincing several other Smash Bros. fighters that they are also humanized Pokémon; being more boastful and condescending than your canonical counterpart; using more moves than a Pokémon’s moveset would allow; being disconcertingly underleveled – Honedge doesn’t evolve into Doublade until level 35, and the fic says that you’re at level  _ 25  _ – considering Dunban as your ‘trainer’, with all the unfortunate implications that it implies; creating the mini-Mechon Fira and the mini-Missingno Pokepuffs; exhibiting questionable SPaG; and a bunch of other minor charges I feel like skipping to save time.”

She finished reading off the charge list and smiled at him. “By the way, I’m  _ a  _ Wii Fit Trainer, not  _ the  _ Wii Fit Trainer. It’s a rather long story that I’d rather not get into at the moment.”

Aegislash!Shulk blinked in confusion. “What are you going to do, then? Are you gonna stuff me in a Poké Ball or something? I know Dunban doesn’t do that…”

“Oh no, not at all. We usually kill characters like you, but you’re part Ghost-type, which means you’re technically already dead to begin with. Don’t ask why, it’s far too spoilery. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t pass up an opportunity.”

“An opportunity? For what?!”

“For this,” she said cheerfully. With that, she hit him square in the face with a forward-tilt attack and sent him screaming into the sky.

A few moments later and many worlds away, the Sunflower’s office was in for quite a surprise when a portal opened up in the middle of the room, just in time to accommodate the flying Aegislash gijinka, who immediately faceplanted and slid ignominiously across the floor. A sound echoing in his head, much like someone clearing their throat, made him lift his head up dizzily. He had skidded to a halt right at the roots of a rather oversized and rather annoyed flower.

“Uh… hello,” the replacement said with an anxious wave. “How’s it… going…?”

 

**********

 

_ A few days later… _

 

The blond teenaged Homs stumbled out of FicPsych, the rather long and complicated RC number still fresh in his head. A week ago, his biggest worry was facing off against Mewtwo in the wake of the Genetic Pokémon’s inevitable return as a DLC character. Now, the Shulk lookalike was in a whole new world  – a hub for many other worlds besides the ones that he had originated from, in fact, and far too many of them weren’t even from Nintendo. It was lucky that he had been sent to the Video Game Division of the Department of Mary Sues for training, which meant that he wouldn’t have to worry too much about  _ Harry Potter _ … well, whatever that was, anyway.

To add to his confusion, he was now a (shiny) Honedge, as the level at which he had spawned dictated in the  _ Pokémon _ games. He still had no idea how that had happened; all he knew was that he had been brought in to Medical to be ‘de-glittered’, blacked out, and woke up in a different outfit than the one he’d had before. He now wore a brown vest with elaborate olive-colored markings over a light gray, short-sleeved shirt, with matching short pants, olive straps on his legs, and similarly patterned shoes over his large feet. The purple eye on his chest, which resembled a medallion of some kind, blinked periodically in perfect sync with those on his face, which were of the same color.

The two characteristics he had retained after his makeover were a long red scarf ending in a purple swirl design, including four finger-like tassels  – and, of course, the Monado. Well, his replica of it, anyway.

How had things changed so quickly, both inside and out? He felt a lot weaker than he had originally, and a lot less confident. He certainly couldn’t take on an Arceus in this form, that was a given.

His weapon sticking to his back by way of a strange cohesive force, the anthropomorphic Honedge tried to ignore this and many other questions and concentrated on finding his RC – so much, in fact, that he didn’t realize that he’d passed it by until he’d kept walking for several minutes. Upon realizing his mistake, he silently cursed to himself, doubled back, and soon found himself standing in front of RC #88224646BA.

He knocked on the door a few times, and waited until it opened up. Next moment, he found himself facing a barefoot woman in her mid- to late 20’s, with pure white skin, gray hair tied in a ponytail, a light blue tank top, and gray exercise pants. Her eyes were a lighter shade of gray than her hair, with no pupils whatsoever, but her gaze felt gentle, almost motherly.

“Hello, there, Aegislash!Shulk! Or should I say, Honedge!Shulk?” she said warmly.

He blinked in surprised recognition, and just a hint of fear. He hadn’t expected to encounter the person who had interrupted his homefic.

“I  – uh  – HiisthisRC#88224646BAifitisn’tI’msorrytobotheryouhaveaniceday!” the Sword Pokémon stammered, but before he could turn to run, the Wii Fit Trainer had taken his hand and led him into the RC. Fira the mini-Mechon flew around in excited circles over the agents’ heads.

“This is actually the right place,” she replied, setting him down at the foot of the single king-sized bed. “And you’re just in time, too  – I just received a report from Intelligence about a character replacement running around in our home continuum.”

“ _ Xenoblade Chronicles _ or  _ Pokémon? _ ” he asked uncertainly.

“Neither, actually. It’s  _ Super Smash Bros _ . in general. I figured this would be a perfect way to get you acquainted with your new career.”

“Wait, my career? What about putting me in some kind of engineering job, like Dunban suggested for me back in Colony 9?”

“Your potential as a fighter would’ve been wasted over at DoSAT, though there were plans to put your technical knowledge to use there at least initially. Ah, well. I guess you can’t have everything.”

“By the way, you said you were  _ a _ Wii Fit Trainer? Are there more of them besides the one?”

The trainer gave a soft chuckle and patted his head. “I used to inhabit a copy of  _ Wii Fit _ that got lost when its owner’s house was cleaned up. So I escaped the game and ended up here. The Flowers did consider putting me in the Nursery, but there was a bit of a Mary Sue influx when I arrived, so here I am. It’s safe to say that I picked up a few tricks from the  _ Super Smash Bros _ . Wii Fit Trainer after I got myself started.”

Honedge!Shulk nodded in understanding. “ Do you have a specific name? Because I’m now a bit worried that you two could get confused… ”

“Of course. It’s Whitney. And you?”

He blushed a little. “I don’t have any specific name, but after I got ‘de-glittered’ – I think that’s what they said the process was – I freaked out upon waking up and pretty much trashed the ward I was in, so everyone’s been calling me Backslash ever since. Not that I’m fond of it, of course…”

She giggled at his little anecdote. “I honestly like that name, Backslash. It sounds fitting for a humanized sword like you.” She idly poked his purple medallion-eye, causing him to let out a sharp cry of pain, his scarf moving like a third arm to cover his chest.

“Whitney! Don’t  _ do _ that!”

“Good gracious, I’m so sorry,” she laughed. “I didn’t know that was an actual eye!”

“Well, now you do!” he responded harshly. “And as for my name, I  _ don’t  _ like it, and I don’t like to talk about it. Everybody I’ve met who knows about  _ Smash Bros.  _ has been teasing me with silly catchphrases whenever they see me. I swear to the Bionis, if I hear ‘I’m really feeling it!’ just  _ one _ more time…”

“Don’t worry, Backslash. I won’t go there. Yet. Anyway, shall we get started? It looks like you have a lot yet to learn.”

“Wait… What exactly is this fic about, anyway?”

“I only got the mission just before you arrived, actually. Hang on, let me check…”

She leaned over the desk where the console stood and looked at the report for several moments. And then she gasped, covering her mouth with a pure white hand. “Oh, no… I think I’ll take back what I said about this being a good training mission for you…”

The Honedge/Homs looked at her in confusion. “Why?”

There was a moment of dead silence before Whitney spoke up again. “…Let’s just say we’ll need a  _ lot _ of crash-test dummies for this mission. Usually the Villager gets the psycho mass-murderer treatment in this fandom and not – OW!”

Something white-hot had jabbed her backside. Whirling to face her trainee, she saw that he had a mixture of terror and fury on his face – and more importantly, that his replica Monado was activated. It had been the beam of blue-white light emanating from the weapon that had accidentally poked her just now.

“Did… you… say…  _ mass murderer?! _ ” he snarled, his voice taking on an ominous metallic timbre.

Whitney cried out in panic and backed up towards the nearest wall. “Put that away, Backslash! Do you seriously want to take my eye out before our first mission?!”

“Oh, right. Sorry!” His voice was now normal-sounding and slightly abashed as he hastily deactivated his weapon and stowed it behind his back, though he was still scowling a little.

“The dummies are all in the closet,” the trainer said. “I’ll pay for them when we’re done.”

Honedge!Shulk opened up the closet door – and let out a yell as he was caught in an avalanche of Smash Bros. items, as well as several beige cubes. There was a pause before his voice came out from under the debris. “Why do you  _ have _ so many dummies?”

“You won’t believe how many fics pair the reader with a canon character,” Whitney chuckled. She walked up to the console, programmed disguises and coordinates for the fic, and opened up a portal in the middle of the RC. “After you, Monado Boy,” she said with a smile.

Honedge!Shulk had extricated himself from the pile of stuff by this point, and was now packing as many dummies as he could into his inventory. He took a long look at the ring of blue light, doubt and determination struggling for dominance in his mind. Should he join her on this undoubtedly bloody first mission, or should he just go back to the Flowers and ask for a safer job?

Then again, of course, the Sunflower Official was not the most agreeable character, as he himself had found out the hard way. The Homs/Honedge hybrid decided that there was no turning back now, and with a sigh of defeat, he stepped through the portal, his partner following after him.

 

* * *

 

**The Mission**

 

The agents emerged in the pre-fic space, which was already starting to take shape. Looking down, Honedge!Shulk found that his body was a lot shorter, with less resolution to his costume and hair.

“What am I now?” he asked. He ran a gloved hand over his face, then pulled it back when he realized that his skin had the texture of plate glass, and that his features felt like decals of some kind.

“We’re Mii Fighters,” said the white-skinned, gray-haired female Mii Fighter next to him. “You’re a Mii Swordfighter, and I’m a Mii Brawler. With Miis being a dime a dozen, blending in should be easy. At least your hands aren’t floating spheres like in the earlier models!” she chuckled.

“How would we be able to hold stuff with hands like those?”  Honedge!Shulk laughed.

“The same way that Little Mac would be able to hold things with boxing gloves on.”

“Isn’t he supposed to take them off like a  _ normal  _ person?”

It was Whitney’s turn to laugh, but before she could reply in kind, the fic began.

 

> **Chapter 1:** **Ike**
> 
>  
> 
> **On a bright, summery afternoon, a man in armor stood outside, surveying his surroundings. All was quiet. A group of different colored puffballs were playing a friendly game of tackle under a tree. A brown-haired child was sparring with his blonde friend, volleying PK this and PK that at one another. A diminutive boxer wearing green shorts jabbed and threw uppercuts at the air as his longtime trainer looked on and shouted encouragement. Three princesses and a bounty hunter shared some much needed girly time, and some Villagers were pulling random pranks and planting trees using their down special moves. It was just an ordinary day.**
> 
> **So, why did the armored guy have such a strong sense of foreboding?**

 

The agents looked up at the Words, feeling the same way as the armored man who was apparently Ike.

“This is exactly the sort of quiet moment I’d expect to precede a gruesome rampage,” said Honedge!Shulk. “Like the one that led to the death of Fira…” He bit back a sob, covering his face decal with his gloved hand.

“Fiora,” Whitney corrected. “Anyway, we’ll need to act fast! Ike has to be out of harm’s way, and we’ll need to replace him with the first crash-test dummy!”

The disguised Honedge wanted to call her out for taking the worst moment of his life so casually, but then he realized what she was talking about. Instantly snapping back to full attention, Honedge!Shulk whipped out the first dummy. As he fumbled with it and tried to get it working, Whitney stole up to Ike and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Huh? Who are you?!” the Greil mercenary asked in surprise. “What are you d–”

She opened a portal behind him and pushed him through before closing it. She looked up into the sky, and for once, her heart missed a beat of its normally perfect rhythm. **A tiny speck that hadn’t been there previously was now visible. What was it? Maybe it was that Tabuu guy, out for revenge following the Subspace debacle.**

The Sword Pokémon-slash-Homs tossed the dummy onto the ground where Ike had been standing. It inflated as soon as it landed, taking on the exact shape of the canon within seconds. As soon as the agents knew they were good to go, they turned and ran as fast as they could.

And just in time, too. ‘Ike’ **snapped out of his thoughts and saw that the tiny speck had grown into a shape. A green shape approaching—and closing fast.**

The agents hid behind some bushes, watching the dummy attempt to dodge the green shape. Needless to say, it failed miserably, the impact being described in a surprising amount of detail.

“Enter our target from stage left,” said Whitney. “Nice work, Backslash! But we’ll have to be careful – if this replacement catches on, we’ll be in serious trouble.”

“Duly noted,” the disguised Homs/Honedge replied. “Oh, and will you  _ please _ stop calling me that?”

“Well, what else can I call you? Monado Boy?” she asked.

“Shut up.”

“How about Hokey Pokey, or Mr. Really Feeling It? Or maybe –”

“Shut. Up.”

 

> **“Prepare yourself!” he shouted.**
> 
> **Maybe he should’ve prepared himself, because his attacker was upon him before the neurons in his brain could yell at him to react.**

 

The male agent made a gagging gesture. Well, he tried to, anyway. He couldn’t stick his finger in his mouth decal.

“Really? He’s about to be brutally killed and he responds with a Smash taunt?” he grunted. “If I wasn’t glad that this is a dummy the replacement is mangling and not the real thing, I certainly am now!”

Whitney tsked and said, “That makes two of us.”

As the agents watched, the green figure continued to beat the dummy to a grisly pulp. They couldn’t tell who the newcomer was yet, but they had a very good guess.

 

> **“Impossible…”** ‘Ike’ **managed to gasp.**
> 
> **A memory came back to him, one that seemed ages ago but actually was a few years. Guilt stabbed him as he remembered the jeering, biting words issuing from his lips in a voice which wounded like a blade. How he denounced and demeaned his target as a wimp, as an embarrassment, as a pitiful weakling and as a loser; mocking his relative obscurity, his awkward physics, his bad traction, and his less-than advantageous match-ups. He called him the Other Guy, the Eternal Understudy, the King of Second Bananas, Player Two, Whatever-His-Name-Is, What’s-His-Face. It was such a long time ago that he nearly forgot. But the victim never forgets. The victim always bears the scars.**

 

Whitney randomly glanced at Honedge!Shulk just in time to notice that he was visibly shaking.

“Dear Bionis…” the former replacement cried out. “Ike is the  _ leader _ of a  _ mercenary army!  _ He would  _ never  _ bully the weak and helpless! I know  _ Smash Bros _ . isn’t exactly accurate with regards to characterization, but… but  _ this… _ ”

“Calm down, Backslash. It’s just a dummy.”

“ _ Just _ a dummy?! If the real Ike remembers bullying this so-called Smasher as well… ”

“Nothing FicPsych can’t fix. I hope.”

“You  _ hope? _ ” the Homs/Honedge agent said with a sour pout.

A moment later, the replacement kicked the dummy’s head, finishing it off.  **“Now who’s the loser?”** he said to himself. After the Words described how there were others who had tormented him like ‘Ike’ had done, he left, and the chapter ended then and there.

“Well, that was an… experience,” said Whitney, looking more than a little disturbed.

Honedge!Shulk had started sobbing again, burying his face in both hands. As had been the case when he’d first entered the PPC HQ, he had no idea what to do.

“I’m sorry that you had to witness that,” his partner replied, patting his shoulder. “I should’ve talked to the Flowers before –”

He snapped his head up, glaring at her. “That I had to witness that?! That replacement was as horrible as  Metal Face, and I did  _ not _ want flashbacks to him… and Fiora… and… everything else… ” He started to cry, covering his face yet again.

“It’s okay… Don’t cry, Honedge!Shulk. I’m here.” Whitney tried to touch his shoulder, but he batted her hand away.

“Stay away from me, you careless  _ joke! _ ” he shouted. “I will  _ not _ stand for this brutality no matter what you say. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take care of this Mechonis-spawn  _ myself! _ ”

But before he could turn away, she reached for him a third time, and this time, she seized his wrist and didn’t let go. When he looked into her eyes again, her gaze was so baleful that his anger was quickly replaced by stark terror.

“Do  _ not _ call me a joke, Honedge!Shulk,” Whitney said, calmly but firmly. “Do I look like I’m joking when I say that you  _ shouldn’t  _ go after that monster  _ alone?  _ This is your  _ first  _ mission, and the last thing I need from you is to get yourself killed before you even complete your agent training. Ike should consider himself very,  _ very _ lucky that we swapped him out for that dummy – and what the replacement did to  _ it _ , he could just as easily do to  _ you _ . ”

There was a pause. “To what end?” the Sword Pokémon-slash-Homs asked, letting his head drop. “I’m already dead.”

“That won’t matter to him. You  _ need _ my help, more than you care to admit. So swallow your pride, Backslash, and get the next dummy ready. The more characters we can save, the better.”

He sighed, shaking his head. “If that’s what you want, then so be it. And please stop calling me Backslash.”

 

> **Chapter 2:** **King Dedede**
> 
>  
> 
> **Summary** **:**
> 
> **During the Subspace adventure, King Dedede did more to Luigi than just turn him into a trophy. Seven years later, he's about to answer for it.**

 

Having retrieved the mangled dummy that had resembled Ike, the agents forged on. Passing by the summary and an introductory quote, the two of them encountered the replacement sparring with a blue-haired young woman, the latter of whom was wielding a sword.

Honedge!Shulk’s breathing quickened. His purple eyes widened with terror, and his hand moved towards his Monado replica (disguised as a normal sword, of course), but Whitney stopped him.

“Careful. I know you don’t want to see her get hurt, but we’ll have to wait until we get a full list of charges before we can move in,” the trainer said quietly.

“Don’t we have enough of those already?” Honedge!Shulk asked, annoyed.

Whitney paused, brushing her cheek uncertainly. “…I don’t know. But the less damage this replacement causes to the continuum and its characters, the better.”

Thankfully, Lucina and the replacement were actually on pretty good terms with each other. The scene played out relatively smoothly, with the two of them exchanging casual dialogue. The  _ Fire Emblem  _ canon admitted that she had been holding back, at which the replacement gave her the green light to give it her all.

The agents watched the fight continue, the Words describing it in slightly excessive detail.

“We may need to skip to the next scene,” said Whitney. “We won’t need to worry about Lucina, judging from her interactions with this replacement. But they’ll be going at each other for three hours, and we don’t want to stall for time.”

“Three hours? Since when did matches last for three hours?” Honedge!Shulk asked, staring blankly into space.

“I’d be a bit worried about matches lasting longer than five minutes, too. The Smashers may be powerful fighters, and some are literal machines like R.O.B., but even they cannot keep fighting forever or they’ll eventually burn out. And yes, before you ask, undead swords are no exception,” she added, winking at him.

“I thought as much,” the blond trainee said with a sigh. “So, should we get the next dummy ready?”

“Perhaps. Lucina will talk with King Dedede following this match. We can ambush the latter after that before he gets hurt.”

“Wait, we’re leaving? I wanted to stay a little longer, actually.” He blushed, rubbing the back of his head.

“Um, why?” Then she looked at Lucina and said, “Ohhhh…”

He blushed even harder. “H-how did you guess?!”

“You were shipped with Lucina in your homefic to some extent. A common pairing in the  _ Smash _ fandom, I see.”

The disguised Honedge facepalmed. “Oh, right. I completely forgot. In that case, as long as she isn’t at risk of getting herself smashed open like a Party Ball, I’m feel– er, I  _ think _ we should be good to go.”

The trainer-turned-agent nodded without a reply. As she opened up a portal, however, her partner would swear he heard her giggle.

The agents bypassed the canons’ conversation, which was relatively harmless compared to the first chapter, despite Dedede blowing Luigi off. However, when they portaled to the next scene, it was in  **2008** .

The flashback was a replay of Dedede capturing Luigi during the Subspace Emissary, following the latter’s scare with the Waddle Dees. However, there was something a little different. Something that made Honedge!Shulk’s face decal screw up in anger.

“Did he _bloody_ – No. _No._ Dedede would _not_ record that with a hidden camera and post it on the Internet. He may need a monster to clobber that there Kirby, but he wouldn’t act _that_ cruel by _any_ stretch of the imagination. By the name of the Bionis, he was capturing those fighters to _save them from_ _Tabuu!_ ”

“That saying is actually from the  _ Kirby: Right Back At Ya!  _ anime (which you watched at FicPsych, I’m guessing), but the rest is on point,” said Whitney. She checked the Words, her lips pursed slightly. “Now, let’s get a good stretch and break out the next dummy. The rematch is about to begin.”

Honedge!Shulk nodded, taking out another beige cube. With that, the two of them portaled back to the present day, the trainer catching up with Dedede just before he stepped into the arena.

“Wha? Who are you? Are you part of the staff?” the canon asked, blinking in confusion.

“This match has been cancelled,” said Whitney, opening up a portal. “There  _ is _ , however, a free-for-all on the Gaur Plain stage. Ike is already there.”

Dedede looked at her, disappointed, upon which she added, “I know. Sorry. But there’s something terribly wrong with Luigi, and we need to investigate it. You’ll get your chance next time, so just be patient.”

“Ugh, fine…” the penguin grumbled, before stepping through the portal.

 

> **The arena had quickly filled with spectators, and the announcer had taken his place where nobody could see.** ‘Dedede’ **had finished psyching himself up and now readied his hammer as his challenger approached. Or, rather, seemingly approached. Little did** ‘Dedede’ **know, he’d been present during the penguin’s chat with Lucina and had overheard everything. What’s more, he’d discovered some time ago that** ‘Dedede’ **had uploaded that video and was thus responsible for his online humiliation. Select spectators also knew and were hungry for justice to be served.**

 

Two particular Mii Fighters were sitting among the audience, watching intently.

The Dedede dummy that had surreptitiously taken the canon’s place prepared to fight. The replacement asked if there was something his opponent wanted to tell him, crossing the arena in a menacing manner.

The agents watched and waited. It wasn’t long before they heard the unseen announcer cry,  **“3…2…1…GO!”**

As usual, the fight was described in almost florid detail. The dummy tried to hammer the replacement, but the latter proceeded to catch the former with a ruthless barrage of attacks. The agents cringed as the beatdown began.

“This is the most one-sided battle I’ve ever seen,” the former Shulk replacement groaned, shaking his head with a horrified expression. “I don’t care if Luigi currently ranks 23rd on the competitive tier for  _ Smash _ for the Wii U compared to Dedede’s 36th, or Ike’s 38th. They’re all lower-ranking than I am!”

“And this relates to this mission… how?” asked Whitney, raising an eyebrow.

“The point is, Luigi may be better than Dedede in the metagame, but that isn’t saying much as a whole. And more importantly, he  _ shouldn’t be overpowering another fighter so easily! _ ”

“But isn’t that the point of this fic? This story’s version of Luigi is apparently taking revenge for his humiliation. It’s the extremely violent manner in which he’s doing so that upsets me so much.”

“You’re not raising your voice, though. How are you sitting through this  _ travesty _ without even batting an eyelash?!”

She looked at him, her face calm… a bit  _ too _ calm, he guessed. “Deep down inside, I  _ am _ as angry as you,” she said cooly. “But while you’re screaming at a volume that would surely give us away if it weren’t for the rest of the spectators, I’m practicing my meditation techniques even while watching this fight. My temper can thus be effectively controlled, so I can burn more than just ‘Luigi’s’ calories once we get the chance.” She cracked her knuckles as she finished.

That shut the disguised Homs/Honedge up very, very quickly.

The fight lasted for several more excruciating paragraphs, ending with the replacement smashing the dummy into the ground, which constituted a  **KO** even though he’d apparently stopped ‘Dedede’s’ heart. The victor  **comically posed for the crowd** , upon which a voice echoed throughout the Word World.

 

> **_So, you think I’m a wimp, eh? Well, everyone just saw the true wimp today. A true wimp is the one who attacks people from behind and secretly posts hurtful videos. And the day somebody lays hands on my big bro, they’ve really had it._ **

 

“I can understand how disgusting such conduct would be, but did Dedede really  _ do _ any of that?” Honedge!Shulk grumbled. “It’d be off to FicPsych with him too if that was the case.”

“We can only guess,” said Whitney. “Once everyone leaves, we retrieve the dummy and move on to the next chapter.”

“If this is going to be a ‘one fighter dies per chapter’ deal, I’m going to throw up.”

“Wait. Are you trying to tell me they didn’t tone up your stomach muscles in FicPsych?”

“That’s not the point! Just two chapters in and my disgust at this stupid replacement is turning into outright  _ nausea _ …”

“I can relate, but we have a saying here at the PPC. No matter how bad things may seem for you, just remember that someone else has dealt with worse. So man up, Backslash, and follow my lead.”

“I  _ told _ you not to call me Backslash!”

She chuckled and rubbed his hair as though ruffling it. “ _ That’s _ more like it.”

After collecting the second mangled dummy, the agents made their way into Chapter Three, finding themselves outside some kind of shed. As they hid in some nearby bushes,  **The sounds of drilling, welding and hammering came from within the work shed.**

The replacement walked up to the shed and started knocking on the door. The yellow-and-purple-clad resident inside opened it up… and was promptly greeted by a fiery blow to the face.

Then the world jolted around the agents.

Honedge!Shulk cried out in alarm, falling flat on his face. It was lucky the noise wasn’t quite loud enough to give them away.

Unfortunately, the agents were now staring down the sight of Wario beating a downed, helpless, and thoroughly terrified Luigi.

“W-what was that?!” the Honedge/Homs agent whimpered, sitting up and rubbing the sore spot on his egg-shaped, perfectly smooth head.

“A scene shift. Happens all the time. You should expect a lot of these on missions, so it would be best to check the Words whenever possible in case they try to jump you.”

“What, we’re not going to talk about –”

“No need. Everything that needs to be said has been said already.”

Honedge!Shulk huffed. “Fine…”

“As soon as this flashback ends,” said Whitney, “we’ll need to replace Wario with our third dummy. We’ll have to be super-fast with this one, because the fic will pick right back up where it left off. I’ve got a spare Chaos Control Bottle from  _ Sonic Adventure 2 _ , so we can stop time if things progress too quickly. But just to be sure, what skills do you have?”

“Monado Arts or Pokémon moves?”

“Doesn’t matter. As long as we can get Wario out of there before the fic resumes, anything goes.”

Honedge!Shulk checked his moveset, his glove-clad finger brushing against his chin. “My known moves correspond to the specials I have in  _ Smash _ ,” he said, “but the only Monado Arts I have so far are Speed in the form of Autotomize and Buster in the form of Swords Dance. For my attacking specials, I’ve got Pursuit for Backslash, Aerial Ace for Air Slash, and STAB Shadow Sneak for Vision.”

Whitney grinned. “Excellent.”

Luigi burst out crying, and the flashback ended. The blond agent leaned forward, preparing to use Autotomize and dash through the next scene.

But then the world jolted around the agents, knocking them to the ground. The Sword Pokémon-slash-Homs agent lost his balance and once again landed on his face.

And the canonical Wario remained in the shed, bleeding and crying as Not!Luigi loomed over him.

Whitney tsked in disappointment, pulling out a bottle. “Oh, well. Time for Plan B.”

She smashed the bottle against a tree trunk, and the world slowed down. Springing to his feet, her partner whipped out another beige cube. The trainer took out her RA, opened a portal into the shed, and watched him rush through.

A few minutes later, Honedge!Shulk stepped back through the portal, dragging a broken Wario behind him. The Word World began to return to normal pace as his partner closed the portal.

“I forgot he was a heavyweight,” the newbie groaned, laying the canon down at Whitney’s feet. “I’m still surprised that the poor guy dropped from 10th on the tier list in  _ Brawl _ to  _ 46th _ in  _ Smash _ 4.”

“So that means it’s plausible for him to get beaten to a pulp by Luigi without any retaliation whatsoever?”

“ _ No! _ ”

Whitney chuckled and knelt down, looking at Wario’s broken face. She winced a little as he exhaled, his breath reeking of garlic, then turned to her partner. “How’s the dummy?”

“It’s already in place. Not!Luigi’s beating the stuffing out of it as we speak.”

Wario looked up weakly at the trainer, his lips curling up slightly. “You have beautiful eyes,” he groaned.

She giggled. “Oh, you… Let’s get you to the hospital. You look awful.”

A minute and a portal to Medical later, Whitney stepped back into the fic, dusting her hands off. Honedge!Shulk looked at her, confused and a tad put-off.

“I thought you were supposed to scream or call him ‘gross’ or something,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“My hand of friendship and respect goes to  _ all  _ of the Smashers, even the nastier ones,” said Whitney. “Knowing where you came from, you shouldn’t have been surprised at all.”

“I didn’t see your canon double that often in my homefic.”

“I know, but still…”

The agents returned to the Duty, watching the Words continue describing Not!Luigi whaling on whom he thought was Wario. The fic continued describing the beatdown, until there were two lines left to go.  **There was a dramatic pause as the man in green seared the crumpled glutton with his gaze.**

That is, Not!Luigi proceeded to shoot laser beams from his eyes, setting the dummy on fire.

“Well, our day just got a whole lot better,” Honedge!Shulk whimpered, shaking his head in terror.

“The dummy’s beyond saving, I’m afraid,” said Whitney. “And more importantly, we have to move on. We can skip the next chapter, I think.”

“Why?”

“That one’s an intermission of sorts. Luigi beats up an army of Sandbags to Evanesence’s ‘Bring Me To Life’.”

The disguised Homs/Honedge looked at her with wide eyes. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope. Sorry. I checked the Words. And the chapter after  _ that _ is probably the most horrifying one yet.”

“What, my canon counterpart becomes an asshole too and then Not!Luigi kills me?”

“Worse. It’s an OC who ends up on the chopping block this time, and a pretty horrible one too. I know Not!Luigi’s the one in our crosshairs right now, but we’ll probably have to start compiling a second charge list come Chapter Five.”

“I swear to the Bionis, the Flowers are a garden of sadists.”

“Agreed. Let’s go, Backslash.”

“For the  _ last _ time…  _ Do NOT call me Backslash! _ ”

 

> **Chapter 5:** **OC 1: Blood and Tears**
> 
>  
> 
> **Summary:**
> 
> **This OC is based on a boy who used to call me names like "butterball" way back when. Consider this his comeuppance.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Notes:**
> 
> **Trigger warning: It gets creepy at the end. Not for the squeamish.**
> 
> **(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)**

 

“Uh-oh,” said Whitney, her lips pursed again. “The author is bashing an actual acquaintance of theirs?”

“I know we’re not supposed to bash the authors, and we won’t,” her partner replied, “but this seems a  _ tiny  _ bit excessive, don’t you think?”

“Looks like we’re dealing with a Revenge Fic after all. Let’s see how this plays out.”

 

> **2001**
> 
>  
> 
> **Raymond’s face was twisted into a sadistic leer as he slammed the shorter man face-first against the locker. He kept him in a painful arm-lock, enjoying the way he trembled and whimpered, nose bloodied, face beaten. As a tall but heavyweight fighter in Smash, he enjoyed flaunting his power, but nothing brought him more pleasure than demonstrating his prowess over the puny middleweight he had cornered right now. Sometimes, when he lost a match, he would be the go-to guy to take it out on. If they just so happened to be alone together, as they were now, then Raymond would seize the opportunity to pounce. Sure, he had a bigger brother to lay his weary head on, but Raymond could deal with him. And Raymond’s periodic threats against his target, or his brother, or his friends ensured that Master Hand would never find out his secret hobby.**

 

Honedge!Shulk wanted to make the gagging gesture again, but he knew it was useless.

“One paragraph in and already I’m going to be sick,” he groaned.

“My thoughts exactly,” Whitney agreed.

The Words continued describing Raymond abusing the past Luigi;  **He smelled mustard and bologna on Raymond’s breath, as well as something more repulsive, the smell of a foul, disgusting tick. That was what he was, an invasive pest who didn’t belong within an inch of these tournaments.**

The last line made both agents facepalm at the same time. “Of  _ course _ he doesn’t,” the Homs/Honedge agent snarled. “I am very,  _ very _ tempted to use Pursuit on him and slice him into little bloody pieces.”

“Huh, ‘bloody’…” replied Whitney. “ _ Interesting _ choice of words there, Bac–”

“ _ Don’t. _ ”

“Fine. Well, what I was  _ trying  _ to say was that this Raymond is going to have a very,  _ very _ bad day before long.”

“And when will that day be? The fic says this scene took place in  _ 2001 _ .”

“Probably during the present day in the timeline of the fic.” She paused, mentally noting the year. “Oh, dear, a  _ Melee _ fan?”

“From the way he’s treating Luigi, I honestly have no bloody clue. What did he do to set him off, anyway?”

“There are a  _ lot _ of things that can do that, actually. Saying you play for fun, allowing items, placing any other  _ Smash _ game over  _ Melee _ in terms of quality, using lower-tier characters…”

The fic continued describing Raymond pounding Luigi, redoubling his efforts after the latter pleaded for him to leave him alone.

“Wow, poor Luigi,” Honedge!Shulk said sympathetically. “Looks like that advice wasn’t enough to help him.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I simply made an… educated guess.”

Beat. “…It’s the ‘Green Mario’ thing, I’m guessing,” Whitney said finally.

The Shulk double nodded slowly. “Correct. Though he’s technically been a semi-clone since his  _ Smash _ debut.”

“We’d best move on. The flashback is the same as before, so there’s nothing to lose. We’ll need to see what happens to Raymond before we can take action.”

The agents exited the flashback via a portal and ended up in the  **Present Day.**

 

> **Raymond Sinclair had a pretty swollen ego nowadays. He had the favor of both Master Hand and Crazy Hand, Smash trophies lining several walls in his room, and a charm that masked his true personality. He was the man of the hour, the Smasher about town, the one who had it all—power, wealth and swagger. In fact, his ego was such that it was surprising he could fit with the other Smashers. He was envied, feared—and hated.**
> 
> **As he trained, competed with, and competed against the fighters, his invincibility complex was Ford tough. To him, all of his transgressions were swept under the rug, never to bother him or impede his ambitions. He could—and possibly did—get away with anything, and had recently received “special privileges” from Master and Crazy. If you could cozy up to those two hands, then you were basically a Smash VIP.**

 

Honedge!Shulk pressed his hand to his forehead. “If he had been here since  _ Melee _ , I’m pretty sure I – er, my canon counterpart would’ve noticed as soon as he arrived at… well, wherever the  _ Smash Bros. _ fighters live. Do they even share a common residence?”

“It’s a fanmade concept, I believe,” said Whitney. “There isn’t any evidence of a ‘Smash Mansion’ in canon, but a lot of fic writers tend to run with it because it would be interesting to see how the characters interact with each other outside of fighting, and a shared residence is a perfect way to enable that.”

 

> **LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL**

 

The agents were startled by the scene break whizzing by, and then rocked by another scene shift. The male agent landed on his face for a third time.

“There’s only going to be more of these, aren’t there?” he asked. Then he noticed that Whitney had remained on her feet the whole time. “How are you still standing?!”

“Perfect balance,” she said with a smile, doing the tree pose out of habit. “Sometimes, you need to anticipate an incoming change in–”

The noise of the Stu being hurled through the air and slammed into a locker suddenly caught the agents’ attention. The replacement had apparently caught up with him. As the agents watched in horror, they had to actually sit down as the Words described Not!Luigi raining blow after blow upon Raymond in astonishing detail.

“This is horrifying  _ and _ boring at the same time,” said Whitney, shaking her head. “I don’t know… Should we move in now or should we wait until he’s done? I don’t want to press charges against the Stu posthumously…”

Her partner was about to answer, but then his eyes glowed bright blue, and he froze up. Suddenly, his world seemed to change.

He was seeing the agents forging through the next chapter. Ganondorf apparently had the guts to insult Luigi during his 30th birthday party, and Luigi would never forgive him for that. But when the agents were about to set up the next dummy, the replacement saw a flash of movement, and before the beige cube could start inflating, he’d kicked it aside.

Then the male agent gasped in terror. He was witnessing himself being pounded and pummeled as the replacement turned on him. Whitney tried to stop him, but then their ‘target’ launched himself at  _ her _ , and…

_ No.  _ He couldn’t let that happen. If they moved on to the next chapter, they’d be stalling for too much time. And then he’d know. Maybe he already knew.

At the moment, the replacement was already eliciting screams of pain from Raymond, and he was now burning a scathing message onto the Stu’s body. Soon, the gruesome finale would begin, and the Homs realized that there would be little to stop it once it begun.

He had to act, _right_ _now_.

The former Shulk duplicate sprang to his feet, and before Whitney had time to respond, she saw the scarf billowing out behind him as he dropped his disguise. He raised his Monado replica skyward, a look of rage on his face as his attack stat spiked, and charged at Not!Luigi.

“ _ PURSUIT!!! _ ”

Before Not!Luigi could react, the slashing blow from the white-hot beam sent him tumbling across the locker room.

Raymond tried to get to his feet, but his limbs lacked the vitality to help him stand up straight. He felt the red scarf wrap around his neck like a snake, choking him.

“Press the charges, Whitney!” Honedge!Shulk cried, hurling him towards her. She looked at him with frightened apprehension, but he turned to her and added, “Trust me. I know what I’m doing.”

Whitney wanted to grab her partner, but Raymond tried to seize her leg, forcing her to focus on him.

“Raymond Sinclair,” she said, “by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu on account of the following charges: being an uncanonical Smasher since  _ Melee _ ; abusing Luigi to no end; somehow gaining favors from the Hands in order to remain undercover; being poorly defined; being extremely egotistic and able to get away with it for at least a decade; and being completely out of place in the  _ Smash Bros. _ games. Your punishment is death, and you get no last words.”

She opened a portal to the Gaur Plain stage, and added, “I believe there are several fighters who would gladly answer to you.”

Before Raymond could respond, she hurled him through, and cried, “This man is evil! Get rid of him!”

The Stu landed on the platform where Ike and Dedede were fighting, and ended up right between the two confused fighters. But when they saw the look on his face, not unlike a person who’d been caught robbing a Wall Street vault, they realized that this fighter did  _ not  _ belong .

Raymond had only a moment to scream before Ike’s Ragnell sliced at his chest, sending him airborne. One crushing blow from Dedede’s hammer later, and the dying Stu was plummeting into the abyss beyond the stage.

Whitney took a small rod-like device out of her hammerspace, closed her eyes, and aimed it through the portal. It went off with a  _ FLASH! _

“You never abused Luigi in any way, emotionally or physically,” she said. “There is no video posted online of him cowering at the sight of Waddle Dees. And you didn’t just throw someone who doesn’t belong in this universe off the edge of the Bionis, either. This is a standard match for you both. Carry on!”

She closed the portal, and the two fighters blinked, shrugged, and returned to their battle.

Meanwhile, Honedge!Shulk had used several Pursuits and a Shadow Sneak on Not!Luigi, catching him off guard with his priority-boosted scarf and draining his life force away. The replacement struggled to break out of his grip while the agent raised his Monado, preparing to land the deathblow.

“Luigi,” the male agent said fiercely, “by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a character replacement on account of the following charges: Replacing the canonical character of Luigi; somehow convincing several other Smashers that they needlessly bullied him; adding non-canonical elements to multiple  _ Smash Bros. _ games; describing your beatdowns in excessive detail; horrifically abusing, mutilating, and outright  _ killing  _ multiple canonical characters; being considerably angrier and more vitriolic than your canonical counterpart; and annoying several PPC agents.”

“But… Sh-Shulk… Why?” Not!Luigi gasped.

“Sorry to break this to you, ‘Luigi’,” Honedge!Shulk growled, raising his Monado skyward, “but somebody’s really feeling it today, and for the record, it’s  _ not you. _ ”

Not!Luigi’s eyes widened, and then narrowed in a glare of burning rage. “The dummies… YOU!  _ YOU TRICKED ME!!! _ ”

The ex-replacement grinned in triumph, flourishing his Monado, but before he could bring it into play, he felt Not!Luigi’s fist connect with his face, sending him flying.

It was at that precise moment that the blond agent realized three things: first, he hadn’t covered his tracks well enough; second, the  _ Smash Bros _ . universe does not take type effectiveness or Pokémon abilities into account during character matchups; and third, he’d picked the worst possible time to move in, when Not!Luigi’s rage was at its peak.

Trial and error is a painful process.

Honedge!Shulk slammed into the opposite wall, and before he could raise his Monado to defend himself, Not!Luigi had begun pummeling him, kicking and pounding. He was faster than the blond agent had anticipated, and his anger also made him stronger. Honedge!Shulk had fatally underestimated what Not!Luigi was capable of, and the latter was now capitalizing on it.

With one last Green Missile, the psychotic replacement sent the agent sprawling. As he tried to grab his Monado replica, Not!Luigi loomed over him, preparing to end it.

“Consider this the price for your betrayal,” he snarled. “I trusted you! I thought you’d stay out of this, but now you come to defend that  _ creep?! _ ”

“He was just as bad as you,” Honedge!Shulk groaned weakly.

“No matter. Goodbye, you little piece of – URK!”

A white arm had grabbed his throat, and another had wrapped around his torso. He struggled in a wild panic, attempting to free himself, but Whitney’s grab was too strong.

“You are also convicted of attempting to kill a PPC agent,” she growled in his ear. “For your crimes, your punishment is to have your ideal heart rate set to  _ zero _ .”

“B-but… but…” the replacement choked out.

“No last words, buster. You know how the expression goes: Talk shit,  _ get fit. _ ”

And with one fluid movement, she snapped his neck.

One portal later, the replacement’s corpse went off the edge of the Bionis like the Stu from a few minutes before.

Honedge!Shulk gave Whitney an apologetic look, upon which the latter sighed in exasperation. “And here you were doing so well,” she said.

“I had to stop him immediately,” he confessed. “He would’ve killed both of us if we stalled for too long.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Your visions still work while you’re being disguised?”

“Apparently. Fascinating… I know I could still use my moves as a Mii Fighter, but my visions were a thing with my original form. Miis don’t see the future, don’t they?”

“I’d hate to think of what would happen if they did,” Whitney chuckled, ruffling his hair once more.

 

**********

 

It was a typical spring day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The birds were singing, the Koopalings were plotting, and a certain moustached plumber in a green hat was having tea with Princess Daisy.

Things were going as they usually were, with the two of them sharing their exploits in their respective regions, until a ring of blue light opened up nearby, and two people stepped into view.

The white-skinned fitness trainer cleared her throat. “Good day to you both,” she said. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Luigi looked up at the two newcomers, a little confused. “Uh… Hello! What are you-a two doing here?”

“We just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” said the blond teenage boy. “We thought we saw you somewhere else…”

“We just want to ask you a few questions, and then we’ll be on our way,” said the trainer. “And Princess Daisy, you don’t have to leave. Everything is fine.”

“What’s all this about, anyway?” asked Daisy.

“It’s nothing you need to know,” the trainer replied. “Anyway, Luigi, do you remember being verbally abused by a Greil mercenary named Ike?”

Luigi blinked, then shook his head.

“Do you know of a video posted online of you being frightened of Waddle Dees?”

The green-clad plumber’s eyes widened. “There-a was a video?”

“No, there wasn’t,” said the blond boy.

“What are your feelings about Wario?” asked the trainer.

“Greedy and selfish, but otherwise fine,” said Daisy.

“Do either of you know anyone named Raymond Sinclair?” the trainer asked to them both.

The canons looked at each other in total confusion. “Uh… no?” replied Luigi.

“ _ Good _ ,” both agents said simultaneously.

“What happened, anyway?” asked Daisy. “And who’s this Raymond guy?”

“Some questions are better left unanswered,” the trainer said apologetically, taking out a small rod-like device from hammerspace. “Close your eyes, Honedge!Shulk.”

He obeyed her almost immediately. The canons looked into the device, for they had no idea what was going on – and they certainly wouldn’t anytime soon.

_ FLASH! _

 

* * *

 

**Post-Mission**

 

The agents planned to head back to the PPC HQ, but not before checking up on the other fighters just in case. Once they had made sure that Not!Luigi was well and truly gone, they returned to their RC. Honedge!Shulk sat down at the foot of the single bed once again.

“I’m… I’m sorry, again,” he said, looking down at his big shoes. “I was hasty and reckless, and…”

Whitney ruffled his hair. “Don’t worry about it,” she said. “It was your first mission, and I should’ve expected that you’d be a little impulsive. And I can certainly understand why!”

“You’re not angry?”

“Not really. We would’ve had to cut in sometime during the next chapter anyway. The dummies can only get us so far.”

“Why not just use Amiibos? Surely they’d be harder to distinguish from the actual canons, if only we could get them to work like they do in the games.”

She chuckled, sitting next to him. “Unfortunately, they’re in high demand and ridiculously expensive. I’ll still ask the DoSAT about that possibility in the future, though!” She paused, staring off into space. “All things considered, I think you did an excellent job up until the tail end of this mission.”

He looked at her in surprise. “I did? I nearly got myself killed! Again.”

“That’s a risk we all have to take at least once as agents,” said Whitney. “Remember, there’s always someone who’s had worse experiences than you. It was lucky I was there to help, but next time, just be careful.”

“Next time? You mean I’ll be going after more homicidal replacements?”

She let out a pleasant laugh. “That’s not how most of the threats we deal with are like, to be honest,” she said, “but this  _ is _ a division of the Department of Mary Sues. We are called assassins for a reason.”

The male agent looked at her. “I… I never got to thank you for saving me. I don’t know what to say… Is there anything I can do to thank you?”

“No need,” she said with a smile. “But you’ll have to remain in this RC permanently. No no, don’t get me wrong, you’re free to explore the HQ as much as you like. But you’ll be operating as my partner and my student.”

His eyes widened in astonishment. “Your… partner? Student?”

She nodded. But before she could reply, he hugged her.

“Thank you, Whitney! This means so much to me… Thank you thank you  _ thank you _ !”

The mini-Mechon, Fira, perched on the shoulder of the male agent, whirring joyously.

“You have much to learn,” the trainer said with a soft chuckle, patting his head once again. “But for now, welcome to the PPC. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Honedge!Shulk.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Whitney,” the Homs/Honedge hybrid replied, smiling up at the trainer who’d saved his life. “And from now on, you can call me Backslash!”

 

#  **[END]**

**Author's Note:**

> Sur-priiiiise, everyone! A new RC, new agents, new everything! Don’t worry, this is one of the things that will tie into my Floaters’ big mission into [403: UNAVAILABLE FOR PUBLIC ACCESS]. I just need to practice with these agents first, and that means I’ll need to write a few missions and just general stuff with them. I won’t update this RC as periodically as the main three, but we’ll see how it goes!
> 
> This fic was… how do I word this politely… horrible. Just. Plain. Horrible. I can understand why people would want to write badass!Luigi, especially because he’s been overshadowed for far too long, but really? Did he have to be that ridiculously violent all the time? What was the reason for that, and did the other Smashers have to be so mean to him back then in order to facilitate this? Seems like it, judging from the text. I would’ve forged on through the rest of the chapters, but they became so boring and repetitive that I just couldn’t stand it. And then there’s the gore… The chapter I stopped in ended with Luigi bashing out Raymond’s brains and eating them like pasta, and my own brain pretty much went “no, just… no” at that, which is why I cut off the sporking before that part. I don’t hate reading gore, and I do write it every once in a while, but it’s supposed to be a sometimes thing if you want to use it for shock value. Even Happy Tree Friends doesn’t go all-out with nonstop blood-and-guts every single second, for Arceus’ sake!
> 
> Additionally, the text describing each of the fights was incredibly drawn-out and verbose even by my standards. I know I like to write long stuff but excessive detail like that really tires me, and I certainly didn’t need to read “he hit him at 400 miles an hour, leaving a force of approximately 2,500 newtons and liquefying his innards and blah blah blah”. This is the sort of fic that beautifully illustrates why the “Show, Don’t Tell” rule is a very big deal. Too much of an explanation can make your readers think that the writing is pretentious, and the fact that this seems to be some kind of Revenge Fic isn’t helping at all. I’m not sure whether this is about dissing the author’s least favorite fighters, but judging from the fact that the OC that got pasted in Chapter Five was presumably based on an actual person whom the author knew IRL, my guess is that it’s a bit of a hatefic in disguise. And as for the OC being based on a real person… I’ve had my fair share of detractors in the past, and I know from experience that insulting them in my writing is never a good idea. Not cool, man. Not. Cool.
> 
> Overall, this story gets only a rating of two out of ten from me. One of the two rating points comes from the fact that the SPaG is surprisingly well-done, this being one of the very few missions I’ve done so far that didn’t lead to the creation of any minis at all (in the actual fic, at least), and the other is due to the flow of the fic being somewhat tolerable if you can get past the excessive description. Needless to say, however, those are the only positive things about this fic in my opinion, because the basic premise is all kinds of wrong, and really, that’s all that needs to be said.
> 
> This will be my last solo mission for a while, by the way. I have to dedicate the majority of my time to searching for a stable income, and thanks to my parents’ increasingly conservative regulations in conjunction to this motivation, I will have very little time to write anything personal at all, let alone PPC stuff. Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted! :)
> 
> –SkarmorySilver
> 
> P.S. I was originally going to use a Smash Taunt from a relevant character for the title (The original title for this mission was literally “I’m Really Feeling It!”), but the awful, awful pun on a certain movie starring Tom Hanks and Michael Clarke Duncan was way too good to pass up. XD


End file.
